And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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