I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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