I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
