you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize