this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
