I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
where does the pee come out of this thing
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
