the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize