I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
