I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
