Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
