Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
