Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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