Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
