I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
