I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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