Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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