I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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