my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
