not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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