if only i could text you this smell
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Randomize
