Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It's Friday. Sex?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Houston, we have a squirter
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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