i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
