My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
