HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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