I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
