Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
