I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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