my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
