Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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