The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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