OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
