Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
