nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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