No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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