I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
