Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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