Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
did i just pee glitter
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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