every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
