I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
