you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
FUCK WHALES
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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