Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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