How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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