Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
