Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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