And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
