My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
wakey wakey hands off snakey
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
