If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
