she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
