At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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