you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
