Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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