so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
