the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
