Already got asked if we're dating
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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