So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
