The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
