how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sobbing to NWA
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
