I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
