I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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