Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I came so hard my ears popped.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
