That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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