i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
