eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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